blog!

hello, long time no see... i doubt that anyone will ever read these entries but its ok. if anyone is out there reading this tomorrow, or in a thousand years... i hope you are happy where you are. i will be complaining and reminiscing over trivial troubles that no doubt will be meaningless to me sooner rather than later, all as my cat paws at my screen. sorry, kitty, nothing interesting here. my dad acts like such a child at times, and i feel like i have spent so much time empathizing as to why he is like this, but i know he would never give me the light of day when trying to understand me. he would never try to understand me. i am trying to eat healthier for a multitude of reasons, and trying not to get bad again. last time i got bad i didnt eat for 4 days. it seems my dad wishes it would get bad, but i know he doesn't know how bad it was. i feel very ugly and that my body is gross, but im trying to deal with it and fix my posture. i like playing just dance as a work out. i like a boy in my geometry class now, but i think im just being stupid and ruining it for myself. i am being so down in the dumps. if you are reading this, sorry. try being a 15 year old girl for size. haha. i want so badly to be cool, but i dont know what cool is. i have a good life, so why am i so ugh? i want to be desirable for him, but i know that is an uphill battle for any boy. i know im not ugly, but i dont think im pretty. if i was skinny maybe id be pretty. i might just go back to sleep.... i wish i was better at coding. i know to do that i must learn, trial and error, yada yada yada. ive already attempted suicide several times this year. i feel like im stuck in a cloud. i know it has to get better. all my friends are on a trip. soon they will go to london. i know i shouldnt feel this way, but a part of me is jealous. why not me? stupid, i know. i want that guy to want me so so badly. i wish he would talk to me first. ......

HIIEE GUESS WHAT today i went to the library and they had nothing good. but i re checked out my favorite books including all the se hinton books they had and when i went to check out the guy said. "do u like the outsiders?" and i was like ya... and he was like "would u like to KEEP a copy?" YEESSSSS!!! SO NOW AT LONG LAST I HAVE MY OWN COPY!!! YIPPEE!!! i can feel the hyperfixation coming back....... AAAUUAUAHAHSAKBASJS

hi blog. today was effing INSANE. nawid and i played badminton with his friend and my friend, and then he said some super mean things to me and i was so mad at him, and turns out his FRIEND MIGHT LIKE ME? waaattt. anyway. more latr. also. SEX AND THE CITY IS SO GOOD BUT WSO SAD AAAGHJHHHH i love this show. guilty pleasure

hiya blog.. i have SO MUCH to talk about today. this morning i woke up to my dad screaming at me about my laundry, calling me the 'most selfish motherfucker on the planet' (word for word.) and i relapsed bc of it!!! lol!!! but anyway i cried a lot this morning and then i got to school and hung out with my friend lucy who hugged me and stuff and i was very alone all morning abd my friends totally ignored me crying!!! like wtf!!!! but my best friend in the whole wide world didnt so. bff award goes toooooo....!!! and then i hung out in 3rd pd where this girl who HATES MY GUTS IS and i tried to speak to her again but she totally ice-colded me. kinda badass but it hurt. but wtv i made a mistake so,... anyway. then i went to the 'carnival' which was really just stuffing 1000+ highschoolers around a football stadium in the hottest weather known to man and lots of food stands. i didnt have any money but i hung out with some older highschooler friends from the theater department because im like... their FAVORITE freshie which is my biggest flex. it was very fun, and then i went inside and we had a big pep rally which was fun. i saw the guy who broke my HEART last year but i didnt even care. (well... i kinda did.) but the pep rally was soooo fun and i saw nawiddd <33333 playing saxophone in the band. after the pep rally i went outside and waited for my bus and this guy haydn who totally liked me in 8th grade gave me a dr pepper and he lowk got sooo cute so. i might text him. lol. and then these girls i know of were playing and this guy i see every morning on the bus who dresses SO COOL. and is SO BEAUTIFUL. and is in THEATRE TOO!!!! was there and they talked to me and i talked to him for the first time and aaaahaAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! and now im home and working on a script. tomorrow is the last day before fall break and i have zero idea what ill do for nine whole days.... WORK ON THE WEBSITE!!!!1!! anyway.. if u read this i literally love u. ok bye

yesterday i had nemo rehearsal until 9pm... im used to it but god it was soo exhausting. all the older kids with money ordered mcdonalds and i thought my stomach was gonna eat itself watching them take down their mcflurries. im eating pizza rn and im still craving it. ugghhhhhhh i wish i had money..... i also have a crush on this guy in my ap human geograohy class and advaced honors english but its driving me crazy. maybe one day ill talk more about him